I don’t want it now.
The fame, the riches and the works. The applause, the recognition and the things that come with it.
You might scream silently ‘Sour Grapes’ at the top of your lungs. Smile at me, which I know is more of a snigger.
But, no, really, I don’t want it now.
Now, you are thinking ‘Liar’. And ‘Sour Grapes’, again. With some more sniggering.
I ask you, why should I want it if it makes me feel insignificant? I don’t want it. I don’t want to chase it.
Ok, some more sniggering with nays and boos?
Can I request you all to ask yourself a question that I have been asking myself for quite some time?
What did I set out to do? What was the one thing that I wanted when this journey began?
For me, it was a job, first. Felt difficult, if not unattainable.
A simple, decent job where I could prove to myself, my parents, my friends, and my-world-of-that-time, that I can reach.
And then the worlds started changing and with them what I wanted.
Better job. Then, better designation. Better car. Then, better house.
Recognition by people who know me.
And then by people who don’t.
The goals kept getting bigger and bigger. And further and further.
Proving myself never ceased. Because every time I would prove myself in one world to enter the next, I had to prove myself all over again, in that world, for that world.
Ok, now, let’ have an honest moment.
Remember the time when you met someone from your past who was still there where they were years ago. Their shitty little life, completely unchanged. They have been doing the same grind over and over.
Didn’t you feel good about it? You instantly felt successful, felt grand. Proud of all you have accomplished. Proud of leaving that world behind.
His appreciative eyes testifying it. You were in a better world, living a better life.
Didn’t you feel proven?
Now, here’s another moment.
The time when you met someone from the past who is now in a better world than yours.
Bigger car, bigger house and a bigger life.
You felt small and shitty and worthless. You felt unsuccessful.
Your appreciative eyes testifying his success, making him feel proven.
Now, here’s another moment.
This time, from his life.
Him meeting someone from a better world. Having everything better than him.
Was he feeling proven then too?
The problem is we measure ourselves with the yardstick of the world we are living in now.
We forget about the journey. We forget about that ‘Small First Job’. We forget about all those ‘Small Firsts’.
We forget about celebrating our own milestones.
I am reminding myself now, again and again, every moment of every day, that this race is of accumulation and I am not racing it.
I am walking it.
And when I decide to accumulate anything I will accumulate all those ‘Small Firsts’.
Lots of them. Infinite of them.
And keep celebrating them till I die.